Categories: CampingGuides & hacks

The Ultimate Guide to Having Sex in the Outdoors

While many people settle for privacy behind doors, there is definitely something to be said for making love right under the stars with all of nature as your witness. Ok, maybe the idea of a “witness” isn’t your favorite, but it’s nothing that the deer, bears, squirrels n’ rabbits haven’t all seen before (seriously, if you’ve ever seen wild animals having sex, you’ll know what I’m talking about).

Nonetheless, let’s get down to what we all want to hear—the art of bumpin’ uglies in the wilderness.

Step 1: Location, location, location

Let’s be honest: you don’t want to find yourself locking eyes with a family on a casual stroll during the heat of the moment (this is assuming you can’t even wait to set up camp and that inner desire to shake the sheets is too strong to resist, which is totally reasonable). You’ll want to find a spot where you can spy any hiker before they spot you, thus meaning somewhere on higher ground and far away from the trail. Don’t go too far, however, as who knows what kind of emergency could come up (trust us, there are a couple), and you’ll want to be able to find your way back to civilization.

Step 2: Make it comfy

OK, you have your spot staked out, but who wants to take a roll in the hay when that hay is a ground covered with sharp rocks and protruding sticks? That’s why you should bring at least one blanket for ground cover, and two if you want some real cover. There is also another technique very common amongst lovers in the woods. If you’re not looking to lie down, try leaning up against a boulder or tree and change that horizontal hula into a standing sexual escapade. Make sure to check beforehand, however, as no one wants a sap and tick covered rear-end; it’s neither the sexiest nor most comfortable way to carry out the rest of the day post-coitus (although searching for ticks on your significant other’s body can be quite the sensual experience).

Step 2.5: Think the whole tent thing through… no, really

Maybe you’re able to resist the urge and have time to put up the tent. There are still some necessary do’s and don’ts to take care of before you get to the bedroom rodeo. Unless you are in a secluded and isolated spot, please save your neighbors from operatic noises and respect the campground. There are likely to be children, and let’s leave it up to their parents to teach ‘em about the birds and the bees rather than have them see it firsthand. On the subject of “seeing,” a very common mistake is the misuse of a flashlight/lantern. Do everyone a favor and turn that puppy off; none of your neighbors want to bear witness to your x-rated shadow puppet show, seriously.

Step 3: Gear up

Now that you’re aware of a couple of the faux pas associated with making the beast with two backs, let’s think positives (because after all, this is a more-than-positive experience, right?) We recommend looking into a two-person sleeping bag, as sleeping in separate bags is pretty much the equivalent of separate beds. Trying to set the mood with some better lighting than the occasional firefly and glow of that drunken party two campsites down? Well we’ve got the perfect lighting hack for the occasion — stick a couple o’ candles right on some sticks and set them up all around your tent. This is perfect for mood lighting, and to take the extra step, make those torches citronella candles for an added bonus of bug control.

Step 4: Easy on the chemicals and, for God’s sake, LEAVES OF THREE LET IT BE

Oh right, bugs. One of the major deterrents that many people cite for reasons against barneymugging (a term from the 1920s) in the outdoors. So, what can you do about it? Well, if those citronella candles aren’t doing the trick, all we do is BEG that you don’t use DEET. Take our word on this one, please. That stuff is literally the last thing you want hanging around your genitalia. Avoiding DEET is one step to protecting your bizness, and while we are on that topic, let’s remember the ever-present danger of poison oak/ivy. Nothing really needs to be said here, just be extra careful and know your surroundings. Lastly, usually people like some cleanliness before a flesh session. There’s nothing like wiping down your significant other with some moist toilettes, or, for the more adventurous, a sponge bath (oh yah, I said it). This is a great way to keep clean post or pre-coitus, and adds a lil spice to it all.

Step 5: Pack in, pack out (yes, unfortunately, still applicable)

This is, in all honesty, probably the most important step. Remember that you are in the wilderness and that anything “organic” could attract some unwanted mammalian attention, so be sure to clean yourself thoroughly and throw everything away.

That pretty much concludes our beginner’s guide to the outdoor four-legged frolic. Thanks for reading and happy humpin!

Still got love on brain? Read more stories about finding romance in the woods.

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